That Familiar Humility…

Silence. I swim in the sea of silence.

I speak, yet listen more often. I have been learning, observing, and reflecting. In the depth of bare sin, I have drowned and witnessed reality. I have met the ‘her’ that lives within. I have felt the pain that my heart has cried. A physical pain that drains me of my mental and spiritual strength. I have met the desires that paint themselves so flawlessly like a need, The whispers that never give up. I have discovered a soul that will seek forever. The enthusiasm that will never die. The arrogance that will not weaken. The evil that looks so chaste. I have been around, yet in isolation.  A deafening silence, a crowded empty room, and a broken yet variable soul is what I surround and what I hold.

I have been praying, seeking and praying. I put myself on one side, my words I once said. I close the book of the ‘me’ I have been, and now stare at an empty page, still full of words. I am so humbled. I am in awe of His mercy that envelops me. Humility strikes me like a dagger through my heart. I am desolate at times, and at times in so much peace.

I acknowledge I have sinned. I claim to have risen above sin by repenting, and then sinned again. To repent. Only to sin again…and I am humiliated by my own self.

I call it sin, while in reality though, it may not be. Just as I may have called something good and it might have only been my arrogance against the truth.

I have been through the tests of desire and deprivation, and the tests of fulfilment. The test of being given, and taken away from, given again. Of letting go and of holding fast.

Silence. I swim in the sea of this darkness, yet to it, through light I have been. I stare at the blackness of this night and imagine the day my name will be forgotten beneath the sand. I imagine death and the day I’ll stand in this same silence with this familiar humility on the day we all know will come…

While I pray, I seek, I say in pain:  I stand before you feeling only this- The yearning for Your Mercy and forgiveness, and the gift to see You that day.