My husbands been away for a while, to a place he’s never been to alone, with people who speak languages he can slightly understand but not converse in, for a good cause though.
This has given me ample time with my self, to reflect on our marriage, on our lives individually; his and mine, and on our future. When he left, I argued with him. So it wasn’t really a happy farewell. Yet, it was a much needed break from each other, for me to rejuvenate my love and think of ways this marriage could be saved. I don’t mean it was dying. Its been a happy marriage, Alhamdulillah, but like most couples say, in the first year of marriage things were getting real and trials and stress began kicking in, hence slowly drying the affection between us (or maybe that’s what I wrongly thought). I knew something was missing, and I couldn’t tell what…
We individually worked on our faith. Yes we woke each other up for Fajr, made sure each other never missed a prayer, did almost a lot of things that ensured we weren’t swaying away from the Deen. However, we didnt help each other in our connection with Allah swt. It was dying in each of our hearts; he figured his heart, I didn’t mine.
He often told me, when I asked him why he seemed so dull, that ‘it is dead’, pointing to his heart. I tried telling him things he could do or I’d recite the Qur’an or play Mishary when he’s around in the room, but mostly never knew how to help (much because perhaps mine has been dead too).
What was missing in my marriage wasn’t (to my surprise) any affection between us, but both of our connections with our Rabb went weak. I could have told him to spend a day per week in the masjid doing Itikaf, making sure no matter what keeps him busy, he makes time to rejuvenate his soul and bring it to life. I could have sat and done the tafseer with him like he always wanted to. And there are many ways we could have in turn helped each other.
Now that he’s gone, so close to Allah’s house, and I’m here day by day bringing back the lost me, getting back to my connection with Him, since I have no choice but to rely on Allah the Almighty for the safety of my husband, I feel the change in our voices when we talk over phone, the increase in our concern (me for his safety, he for mine health), and we feel that ‘honeymoon phase’ back in our silent ‘Love you’s’.
Fear of living without him: An eternal wait
SubhanAllah I sit in my prayer mat after Isha and think about ALL those women of the past who sent their husbands in Allah’s path, with nothing in their hearts but tawakal ala Allah (faith in Allah swt).
Not faith that their husbands are going to be back safe, but faith that their husbands are going in the path of Allah SWT and so whatever good OR BAD happens to them, it is in Allah’s hands. How strong would they have been to let their affairs in Allah’s hands no matter what the outcome could be; them raising children as single mothers, them living their lives in Allah’s care ahead in case their husbands didn’t return, or just them not ever knowing news of what their husbands might be going through and so waiting timelessly for news of their spouses…
If he’s been away only for a few days, with much advanced technology than those days so I know every place he is in, or what he has been doing etc, and yet my heart and mind keep wandering and fearing for his safety until he’s back, I wonder where those women derived their strength from, subhanAllah.
‘Every marriage is different’
This is one of the BEST lines I ever read on marriage here and it is SO SO true.
No matter how many people come to give advises on marriage ‘based on their experience’, MY marriage is different. There is no harm in taking the good from their advises and applying it in our lives; but what’s important is to be able to judge our spouses ON OUR OWN without comparing situations, without expecting similar outcomes like others and without just emulating other people’s married lives.
Nobody else is my husband’s wife
And Alhamdulillah for that 😀
And so nobody else is a judge of his potential, nobody else can dictate to me how I should feel about him or what I should tell him, etc. No matter how close anyone else is, I love my husband and I am happy with him; and what other’s think or feel about him is their problem.
I’ve promised to respond to his Zammilooni when he needs it; and that doesn’t mean I need to wait for him to shiver in fear and run to me saying ‘Zammilooni’ coz an angel just pressed over him; His ‘zammilooni’ is in me standing by his side whenever I can. Be it in the small things he stands for in life, that his or my own parents would be against. Or the big decisions he makes in life, with no one but me as his spouse to discuss with and consider. His ‘zammilooni’ is NOT in me standing beside him showing anyone- ‘yes my husbands like this and well I’m dealing with it’. But me standing beside him showing ‘YES! My husband’s like this, and I’m proud of him for this and this reason’.
Not just that, but it is also important to place each of our loved ones in their specific pedestals, independant of each other. My parents are in a high pedestal in my love for them, and so is my husband. And so are his parents. But what problems my parents have with him are not mine and should not affect how my relationship and feelings for him is and vice verse. This is how we separate the pedestals, and learn to prioritize. And THAT is when we know, noone can come between our sacred relationship. Which means-
It is never too late to amend issues
The beauty about marriage is that everything happens for the first time. And everything isn’t meant to be perfect.
The key is to embrace all the first times be it in good or bad ways, and have a heart that’s constantly reflecting on the state of the marriage, and it’s path towards Allah’s pleasure. Everything else is just fixed or beautified more, by Him. Alhamdulillah.
‘But I’m not happy anymore’
A most common phrase many say at one or the other points of time in their lives. But, every time we be in such a situation, ( and i read this somewhere as well) asking ourselves if there was ONE thing left to fight for in our spouses, will help us get past the pain. My answer has always been yes, and not for one but for many MANY MANY things I love him for EVEN if I woudn’t admit it AT THAT exact point of time. Be it in the littlest of things like his smile at some of my childish naiveness or the biggest of things like the days he made me grow in my dreams. Or simply his chuckle without a reply when I say ‘I love you’.
If there is even one small thing worth to fight for in him, then it’s worth holding on with patience during hard times.
Importance of ‘me time’ in our lives
All this excitement to renew my married life with him (like as if we are 15 years married! )
has been the result of me taking my time off him while he’s been away. And this me-time has been so healthy and helpful in bringing back the old feelings and dreams of walking together, aging together for 60 or 80 years ahead, and further till Jannah and beyond inshaAllah. And so I guess we need to do this more often 😉
Alhamdulillah, for the blessings in the little harsh days as well.