It shakes every being inside you . Atleast for me it did this time.
I’ve never seen anyone approach death. I’ve never seen anyone dead in front of me. Except for the janazah boxes that I’ve seen in Makkah or Madinah. And one little girl’s wrapped body in a janazah prayer offered in my University.
I clearly remember seeing a bird die in front of me when my school van driver hit it accidently. The Bird was too fast and unable to change its course and the driver too was driving too fast and could do nothing about it. They crashed. He went on. But when I turned behind, I saw the bird fall off on the road. This death of a little bird affected me so much, for days I remember being in a state I cannot explain.
Today, I saw the death of a very near one. A very inspiring, a very beautiful soul, whom noone had even a single complaint about, but all had so many beautiful stories to share. A soul who suffered in bed for a couple of years and finally, passed away last night. She tried so hard and kept moaning the shahada yesterday. Her arms and legs swollen, her lips dry, her eyes closed.
I’m not sure how to describe how I feel. I feel like puking. Every part of me is shaken with the understanding of what reality is. What certainty is. Death. Death is certain. Inevitable.
I stood there gazing at her, unable to hold my tears. Wondering what of the unseen has she finally seen now. Looking at all the people she secretly did so much good for, now appear at our house. Reminded me of how when Khadidja RA died, all the poor became apparent, coz until then she used to provide for them secretly.
Ya rabb.. I pray and hope that she is happier now. She is at peace now. Without anymore worldly pain. And for all her sins to be forgiven.
I come back to see my baby who has no idea of what his mother is feeling and wants me to play with him. I try to make funny faces, I burst into tears instead. I can’t. He cries and I cry. We cry for different reasons. He cries coz he wants to play. I cry coz I’ve played all my life!
I just saw something that I am certain is going to be mine soon, but I’m not at all ready.
Its so easy..SO EASY to talk a lot about Islam, to live this life the way we want…but its really really hard. When you imagine your lonely LONELY self being carried away to be burried under the soil. I have hated loneliness all my life but that’s exactly how I’m going to leave. Alone.
No husband to back me. No daddy mummy to support me. No sisters to help me. No friends to accompany me. Noone.
A bunch of people (hopefully) sitting around me only helpless about my hereafter.
Dark. Sand upon sand been covered upon me. No more chance of repenting. No more chance of doing even a speck of good without riya. No more chance for forgiving. No more opportunity to ask someone’s forgiveness. No more time for paying back my debts. No more space to pray my missed prayers. No more anything. Except…
The sands. The depth. And the lonely darkness upon darkness.
Will it be a good end. Or a bad one.
Which one? I’ll never know. But I’m not even near the end of the good. I know that for sure.
Life has deluded us. This advanced life has deluded us to think so high of ourselves with a few righteous status updates, a few praises from people who loved what we do, a few good stuff here and there and only Allah knows how much of it was consumed off in showing off and how much of it was sincere sinceeere. This world..this life.. has deluded us. Fooled us into believing our fake virtual lives and profiles to be real.
While in reality, even the khulafa e rashideen, those PROMISED paradise were afraid of their ends. We are so certain of our apparent goodness. 😦
We are reminded of the day of judgement every single day when we recite مالك يوم الدين.
17 times atleaaaast in a day we say this. But how much do we actually think about it?
Every night our souls are taken away. But how much do we live each day like its our last?
This is for me.. for I don’t want to forget what i feel right now. I don’t want this to go forgotten in a few days weeks or years. I don’t care how unedited a draft it looks like.
O heedless heart, when will you pay heed? Your time is near and you’ll regret it when you’ll be unable to do anything anyyything that time to fix yourself.
Fix your future now. Fix your end now. 😥
Because…”Every soul shall taste death.” (The True Quran, 3:186)
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